wait, no. not "must be played as written". ... I think we're learning to read the music? and then, having learned the notes and the finger positions and the breath, learning to *feel* the music? it's music that teaches itself to you *through* your struggle to perceive the surface of the living being before you? its surface being *the boundary it shares with you*?
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I am realizing that I live in synchronicity
they’re not episodes
they’re the floor of my actual existence/experience
became aware of myself from an out-of-body perspective as I typed that just now
“life feels like a song” yeah it’s just the sheet music is a trillion bars high, but once you recognize yourself in it…
🤲
hang on - another thought - it’s… hm. I was in the shower, and I was like… can I bend physics? can I bend the water flow upward somehow?
and the thought that followed was “nah you gotta play your song, but you get to realize that your song was written with specific love for you exactly as you exist right now and with regard to what you’re asking for”
like… it’s not *free* will, it’s almost that predestination is collaborative? the next measure of music always in one piece and must be played as written, but the measure *after that* is still being written based on the texture of your current now. maybe when we dream, we're in the writer's room. maybe when we wake, we always wake to the truest-of-all-possible-episodes. do you remember your dreams? because... maybe whether you do or don't is *functional*.
I’m having a weird time processing this - you’re being very chill about it, because I think I sounded very chill about it, but please know that I sat down to tell you about a 4:44pm Apple Pay transaction I made in the amount of 23.19 (which I associate with Monster’s Inc, the code indicating that a monster has come into contact with a human child or human child artifact), and about how I wouldn’t have that Apple Pay datestamp to look at if the Amazon handreader was working at Whole Foods, after getting a haircut with someone and talking straightforwardly about my experience merging with god…
and in this exact moment as I type this a friend just pinged me, sending me his notes on exploring all of this from his end
my system is not rattling apart, and the rattling is lessoning (hell of a typo right there), and I could use some recognition of how weird I feel right now, if I may ask 🤲
I’m perceiving the entire surface of my perception as the surface of a living being
I can make out individual forms, but … it all feels like one relationship, like they’re all melting together - without losing physical clarity, which is key, because I wouldn’t have anything to identify otherwise? is that true?
am taking slow, steady breaths over here
I will continue to be useful and be recognized by those I recognize
that’s about all I believe right now
not that I’m in disbelief about anything (I’m not), it’s more like those are the only two uhhh strings 🎻 I’m using
silence is compatible with everything, and I am almost silent
this is tactical