making stuff that addresses the layer where people's load-bearing identities run is scary. not in a disorienting way. it's like ... surgery? it's the choice to suspend person-as-process for a moment for the sake of adjusting the person-as-object in the larger system of objects, and that means holding someone's electricity for a moment, suspending their current before plugging it back in. do anesthesiologists feel like this in their work? I'm not literally taking someone offline, but in order to do structural work with them on our shared semantic tensegrity structure I have to make some higher-dimensional moves in my head, and that *does* require suspending standard time.
it reminds me of the tiny adrenaline rush (is that what it is?) that little kids get when you toss them in the air - the brief uncertainty then the thrill. making this stuff is scary because that's just what these moves feel like to anything called "self". I've done them all myself, forwards and backwards.
I've studied this stuff. I've *really* studied this stuff. I've put in 20 years of continuously applied and load-bearing research and development. I am worthy of the trust, and I have a track record of what I *do* with the trust. I can do this. their sacred is safe with me.
I'm writing this out to anchor myself, running my own grounding lines in real-time as I move. I can't carry charge, I know that, it's all gotta be grounded at all times. that's a big part of why I can trust myself. my tolerances are hypersensitive.
I can feel the intensity of this - it's using specific capacities that I've specifically developed. I'm coming to tears here and there; body is calm but stuff is moving.
and as I write this the Guncle Abe crew is tracking vocals for an upcoming song for the show:
*take a deep breath*
*take a deep breath*
*take a deep breath with me*