"What do I do with that?"
"Nothing. Hold it. Let it change you. If you feel something else to do with it by all means do that, but... yeah hold it. Let it change you."
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Some notes, as an autistic post-sāyujya 36yro gay guy.
- When [2] arrived with a decision, I felt the relief of *the system*. One fewer actively maintained incongruity.
- I didn't see that decision coming, at all. :) Now-time/no-time means no anticipation, and I live that.
- My body is completely at peace, throughout this.
- I cried, so hard, with [1] and [2]. Tears from deep places, all pure. *After* celebrating the relief of the system, which I did alone, but visibly. And then yeah — all the tears.
- I don't feel any tension whatsoever. I know as little about tomorrow now as I did this time yesterday. Also, I'm still not sure if I exist (which is a functional position, not a quandary), and all I can see is beauty.
- I love you. :) Nothing to it, and nothing asked, and it'll always be true.
- I'm struck by how *unmodified* my essential sense of the system is. I still see [1] and [2] and me, entwined, unchanged. I don't experience any dissonance between that observation and the words on the table, as [1] and [2] lightly spar over this ending.
This is the first allistic relationship I've ever had, and the layout of that truth deserves inspection: it's a three-person relationship, one edge of which is allistic. I share an edge with each of those points, but I am not on the allistic edge. I watch it in parallel, like it's behind glass. At times like yesterday I *do* collapse the space between us, the triangle becomes a line, and I sit between them, in tears.