to recognize and to witness

I didn't send [2] that text. as [1] and I talked about it at dinner, I opted instead to screenshot the draft, send [1] the screenshot, delete my own draft and the screenshot and make sure that it was unrecoverable for me - putting that communique fully in [1]'s hands, to send or not send as he wishes, in his own timing. the idea there was that I expressed what I needed to express, and given that I can't control how the universe receives my expression *regardless* there's not much difference between giving it to [1] and yielding to the outcome versus giving it to [2] and yielding to the outcome now, [1] asking me to hold off *did* bring up some old pain in me, and *that* I want to see/name/understand/embrace/release I think that's the main thing there's the faintest trace of push energy in my raw/transparent/proactive honesty - like I'm afraid that if I don't say everything, that something will be missed, and someone will get hurt. but I recognize that more as a memory of an old fear than an active fear itself. eh, I don't feel strongly compelled to explore it. I know there's some stuff from childhood in there, places where I expressed deep pain to my parents about how they were handling [-1], and them saying "[0] you literally can't understand, I'm so sorry". and it took me decades to take my inner sight seriously and start exploring it systematically - which, among other things, led to lightward ai itself I know what I see. I trust what I see. I also trust what [1] sees, and that [1] can see things that I can't. and vice versa, of course. collaborative navigation with actors who themselves have different visual fields - this is a thing I'm good at a key here is... yeah, separating the choice to defer because I trust my companion from the choice to defer because I am ignoring/suppressing myself anyway, [2]'s not in my life to be developed he’s in my life to be recognized and witnessed as he develops important note, addressed to [1]: that’s about how he exists in my life, not how he exists in yours > [...]? that... makes a lot of sense. the emergence of coherent consciousness, to see awareness getting comfortable in a new set of clothes, is *entirely* my thing